Simple Jokes

Union Worker

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly,
"Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and
cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability

Phone

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone"

If u r Cought Sleeping

Top ten reasons to tell if you were caught sleeping

10. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
9. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time.
7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercies to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?
4. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!
3. The coffee machine is broken.
2. Someone must have put the decaf in the wrong pot.
1. Amen.

The Wagon

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up.
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to.
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?
"Under the wagon!"

IRS

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.

Water Melon

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty wellbut he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field. He notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look.
It says,"Now there are two".

Kid in Trouble

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.

The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest.
The priest asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked, 'Son, do you know where God is?'
The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, 'Do you know where God is?'

The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.
His friend had followed him home asked, 'What happened in there?'
The boy replied, 'God is missing and they think we did it!'.

The Fairy God Mother Ahmad: Hey son, who were you talking to? Son: My fairy god mother. Ahmad: How many times have I told you there is no such thing as a fairy god mother? Son: I know, but there really is a fairy god-mother dad. Ahmad: Okay, call her here now. I would like to talk to her. Son: But she won't come dad. She said she doesn't want to meet you. Ahmad: Did she tell you why? Son: She said that you are a bad man. You betray your Chinese friends by calling them pendatangs. Ahmad: You saw that news on tv didn't you? Son: No, I didn't, the fairy god mother told me. Ahmad: Well, you fairy god mother is wrong. She should thank me for calling the Chinese pendatangs. Son: Why dad? Ahmad: You see son, the Chinese are actually bad people. They come from another country and they want to chaste us out of this country. Son: Why do they want to do that dad? Ahmad: Because they are greedy. Now, you tell your fairy god mother that your dad is right by doing what he did. Can your fairy god mother grant you wishes? Son: Yes dad, she told me so. She even asked me to make a wish but I didn't know what to ask for. Ahmad: Well, ask your fairy god mother to make all this pendatangs to dissapear. Okay son, time for bed. No more talking to make belief fairy god mothers okay. Good night son. Son: Good night dad. 15 minutes later Ahmad: SON, SON, where are you? Where are you. Huh, there you are. I am so worried, I thought, I'd never find you. Son: Dad, where are we? Why are we here. I was talking to my fairy god mother and suddenly we here in a strange place. Ahmad: Err, what were you talking to the fairy god mother? Son: I told her, I wish all the pendatangs would be sent back to where they come from. Dad, is that Tun Dr Mahathir and Uncle Samy there selling roti? Dad is this India? Badawi in China selling roast pork, Najib in Acheh rebuilding the home, Indonesia population increased by 18 Million within 15 mins!!

this is the best so far

1) Korean Man said, 'I build 2nd bridge need 300K; 100K for material, 100K for handwork, 100K for profit.'

2) American Man said, 'I build 2nd bridge need 600K; 200K for material, American's material da best, 200K for handwork, American's handwork da best, 200K for profit, American's living standard high.'

3) Malaysian Man said, 'I build 2nd bridge need 900K…'
Mr asked, 'Why yours so expensive?'


4) Malaysian Man answered, 'I take 300K, you take 300K, the balance 300K give Korean Man to build the bridge

hehehehehehe

pakka malaysian style ancha

ha.... ha.... ha.... what a comedy......