Adult jokes

NUMBER 1..
One day in class the teacher brought
a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and
describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about.
Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand
high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who
promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a
beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,
and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down
in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips
him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy,
I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher
replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as
he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls
on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a
squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so
he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my
hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a
head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers
Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"..

NUMBER 2...
Little Billy came home from school to
see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had
set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his
Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are
sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad
came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for
Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

NUMBER 3....
A young woman took her troubles to a
psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so
that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then
afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to
strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I
won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

NUMBER 4...
A computer programmer happens across
a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful
princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The
programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give
you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back
in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you
great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you
great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss
a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a
talking frog is pretty neat."

NUMBER 5...
A man was going
door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood. "How often
a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. "Three
times," Jeff said without hesitation. "That is once more often than
your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing. "That makes sense," Jeff
said, "after all, she's my wife."

NUMBER 6...
A gynecologist had a burning desire
to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her
local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes
and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the
practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and
completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back,
she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.
Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if
there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said,
"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth
50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra
50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

heheheh

When white man found this land, Indians were running it. There were: -
No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time
The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that
system!

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the
older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the
youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he
turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest
with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your
son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God
he didn't ask about the other three."

George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game for
very high stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to
leave. As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max McTavish,
the bald man who had cleaned him out.
As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and said
sarcastically, "Your head feels just like my wife's arse."
Max put a hand to his head and said, "By crikey, mate. You're right.
It does!"

8 things you'll never hear a man say:
Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too
big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.
8 things you'll never hear a woman say :
What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being
'just friends'
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure
out how to get there.
2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a
designer dress.
1) Hey, pull my finger!

Bill Clinton is out on his morning jog when he sees a hooker. As he
passses her, he yells "20 bucks!"
"No way," she answers.
The following morning Bill is jogging with Hillary. As they pass the
same hooker on the street she says, "See what you get for 20 bucks?"

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked
out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said,
"Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I
can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when
he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the
Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the
coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor
asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terribly, doctor, terribly."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up
and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love
on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the
phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get
him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms
he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the
doctor.
"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."
"Oh crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

One day, a teacher in a high school class was administering a test,
and she noticed that four pupils were missing.
The first one came in.
"Why are you so late?" the teacher said to him.
"Sorry, miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Then the second pupil came in.
"Why are you so late?" she said to him.
"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Then the third one came in.
"Why are you so late?" she said to him.
"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Finally, the fourth pupil, a girl, came in.
"I suppose you've been up Penny Lane, too, then?"
"No, miss," she said to the teacher. "I am Penny Lane"

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under
our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't
mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both
his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under
our bed."

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters
had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter
said, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons,
therefore we keep them for replacement."
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the
waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for
us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we
pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to
wash our hands."
The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you
get it back in?"
The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others,
but I use the two spoons."

There were these two rabbits, Barry and Fred. They were being tested
in a laboratory and after a few losses of hair and half of their teeth
missing they decide to try and escape.
They make this great plan and the next thing they knew, they were out
in the counrtyside smelling the grass and generaly having a good time.
After a bit Barry gets in a bit of a mood.
"Why are you in such a mood" says Fred.
Barry in a sulky mood says "Well you know that laboratory we were at,
well I'm starting to miss that place"
Fred in disbelief says "What, are you mad. That place is a dump. I've
got more injection holes on my body than pores!"
"Yeah I know " says Barry "But I'm killing for a fag."

One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a
car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven.
She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get into heaven now?"
He says "Soon, I have some things to take care of."
So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions
of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would
turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back
and Hillary asked "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?"
St Peter replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man
commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes.
Hillary asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies "Oh, it's
in God's office, he uses it for a fan."

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got
married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise
never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never
looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity
got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the
box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box
and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner
Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
saying, "I am so sorry.For all these years I kept my promise and never
looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was
too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the
cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after
all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was
unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to
remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened
but Iguess after all those years away from home on the road,
temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad
considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little
while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the
box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed
them in."

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you
going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress
and let's go!

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had
and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're
eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins,
Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't
get nothin'."

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable
little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said,
"what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to
come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it
just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest
thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with
her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says,
"Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"