Simple Jokes

mirugam wrote:His wife's first husband must be someone very close to him....

Two Irish bought 2 Horses.
To Identify them,
They Cut the Tail of 1 Horse.
The Horse WITH Tail is mine,
and the horse WITHOUT Tail is Yours.
A Cunning Fellow Cut
the Tail of Another.
They got very confused.
This time they tie a BELT to a horse.
The Horse WITH Belt is mine,
and the horse WITHOUT Belt is Yours.
Another Cunning Fellow Cut
the Belt of Another.
They got very confused again.
1St Irish told this is the Last Identification…
WHITE Horse is Mine
and
BLACK is yours.

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
———— ——— ——— —-
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
———— - ——– ——— ——— ——— –
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women
and then he turns them into Wives.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Girlfriends r like chocolates,
taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like leftovers, eaten when there’s no choice.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don’t take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Q: Why dogs don’t marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would
go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you
continue to do so for the rest of your life!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Q: Why doesn’t law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

hahaha....nice ones apple..

funny......pity men .....such intense suffering........all because of wives...

nice ones apple

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself!".

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ?Relatives of yours??
?Yep,? the wife replied, ?IN-LAWS.?

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ?Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife??
He answers, ?You see, it?s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it?s sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.?

Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:
"Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment
and really make love?"
Ex-: "Over my dead body!"
Husband: "You haven't changed a bit"

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel,
in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and
spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the
matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it
looks like it can't wait to eat me."

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly, she burst out crying. "But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language...things I had never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... Please, mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,the doctor
called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a
very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your
husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Try to be
pleasant in general, and make sure he stays in a good mood. For lunch make him a
nutritious meal. For dinner prepare something nice and healthy again. Don't burden him
with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will
only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim. "If you can do this for the next 1 to 2
months, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the
husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to
die," she replied.

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Francine gets home, runs into the house, and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

Marvin says, "Oh, Honey, That's great! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the heck outta here!"