Jokes... Hope It Makes Your Day!

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says, "OK, now what?"

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Well, then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

My husband and I had just finished tucking our young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room.

Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically.

He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear.

Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, dad!"

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him.

Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel. He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari.

The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."

The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."

The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.

The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"

The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar. That's his asshole. He's not used to stopping that fast.

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Um, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.

The new wife (progressive Indian woman), was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.

As expected she gave a speech, "My dear family,I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine. No, I will never do that, never in a million years."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.

"What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws); Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND Those who used to clean should continue cleaning !!!

"And what are you here for Bahurani?" enquired the mother-in-law.

"AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON !!!"

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies.

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left...

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains, I'm a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a Sniffer dog. His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says, "Watch this." He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says,"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent., "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London...

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase full of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?"

Parvinder says, "Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.

Parvinder says, "No wonder you only get £2- £3." Habib says, "So what does your sign say"?

Parvinder's sign reads: I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan !

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

"So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service."

The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations, Customer Service, City Public Service, and I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "Service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull "Service" a few of his cows.

WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "Service" agencies are doing to us.

John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"

To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."

"Really?" he said excitedly.

"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'."

John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun, and robs the bank.

Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The customer replies, “Yes!”

The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG - shoots him in the head and kills him.

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “Did You see me rob this bank?”

The man calmly responds ... “No, but my wife did!”